Coffee break is over. It's time to stand on your head now. Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were very big baseball fans. They attended every game they could; and spent their entire adult lives discussing baseball history. During the winter months, they analyzed every box score made during the baseball season. They even agreed that whoever died first, they would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One night, Bob passed away in his sleep. A few nights later, his buddy, Earl, awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. Which do you want to hear first? So what could possibly be the bad news? Three buddies died in a car and went to heaven for an orientation. They are asked, "When you were in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you have liked them to say about you? The first guy said, "I would have liked to hear them say, 'I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.
The second guy said, "I would have liked to hear them say, 'I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in many children's lives. Forest Gump had a near-death experience which changed his life forever. He decided to go horseback riding one day. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. Gump tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get any worse, his foot became caught in the stirrup. When this happened, he landed head-first to the ground.
His head continued to bounce harder as the horse would not stop or even slow down.
Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. Forest meets Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Peter told him, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam to everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass it before you can enter heaven.
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Forest replied, "It's sure good to be here. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the exam ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test. Peter said, "Yes, I know, Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here's the first one: What days of the week begin with the letter T? The second question is: how many seconds are there in a year?
The third question is: what is God's first name? Forrest then went away to think the questions over. He then returns the next day to give Peter the answers. Peter asked him, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers. Forrest replied, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter T?
Shucks, that an easy one. There are two days of the week beginning with T: 'today' and 'tomorrow. Peter is amazed and told Forest, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but So, I'll give you credit for that answer.
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How about the next one? How many seconds in a year? Peter replied, "Twelve? Forrest, how did you come up with twelve seconds in a year? Forrest replied, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve seconds in a year: January second, February second, March second Peter interrupted him and said, "Hold on, Forest. I see where you're going with this. I'll give you credit for that one too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name? Forrest replied, "Well, sure, I know God's first name.
Everybody knows it. It's Howard. What makes you think God's name is Howard?
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Forrest answered, "I pray to Howard all the time. Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name Three knuckleheads died in a car accident and appeared before the pearly gates. Saint Peter addressed the first one, "Before you are allowed to enter heaven you must answer this question.
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What can you tell me about Easter? The first knucklehead looked puzzled for a moment then said, "Oh, I know. That's the holiday in the Fall when you stuff your face with on turkey and watch football games all day. Peter then turned to the second knucklehead and asked him, "What can you tell me about Easter?
Peter then turned to the third knucklehead who was trembling with fear. Peter asked him, "What can you tell me about Easter? The last knucklehead replied, "Well that's the holiday that occurs in early Spring. It begins on the day Jesus was hung on a cross between two criminals and was made to wear a crown of thorns. He died and they buried him in a cave. Then they rolled a big rock over cave's entrance to seal it.
Then on the third day, the cave was opened and Jesus rose from the dead. So, every year, if Jesus pops his head out of the grave that year it means six more weeks of winter. While a preacher was giving a Sunday sermon, all of a sudden, there was a cloud burst. Before the sermon was over, one full hour of complete non-stop rain fell. Everyone began to evacuate when the whole church started flooding.
However, the preacher just stood his ground and remained in the church in the ankle-deep water. A man in a car drove by and shouted through the church doors, "Preacher, you better get out of there before you drown! The preacher replied, "Don't worry. God will save me. When the water was knee-deep, a man in a raft floated over to the church and yelled to the preacher, "You better get in here before you drown!
The water was now waist-deep and a man in a power boat came to the preacher and said, "You better get out of there before you drown! The water was now over the preacher's head, so he climbed on the roof of the church. A man in a helicopter flew near and yelled to the preacher, "You better get out of there before you drown! The water then became so deep that it covered the entire church and drowned him. When the preacher appeared before God, he asked Him, "Oh, God!
Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood? God replied, "I sent you a car, a raft, a power boat, and a helicopter! What else do you want from me? A man died and arrived at the pearly gates. The Lord himself came out to greet him. Together they entered a large room where a group of people sat around a huge pot of stew. Everyone there in hell was starving and desperate. Each person held a spoon that could reach the pot; but each spoon had a handle that was too long, making it impossible to feed themselves.
So, the suffering was terrible. They then entered another large room which was identical to the first: the pot of stew, a group of people around it, and the same long-handled spoons. But there everyone was happy and well-feed. Here are some unusually funny obituaries that honored those who passed. When Mary Stocks died in , her obituary starts as an auction, according to Legacy. Apparently, Stocks left a lot of belongings to her daughter including a large TV, a ceramic stork, and a toaster, so she tried to sell the items in her own obit.
Tomorrow would be fine," the obituary reads. Stocks is further described as a fiery and foul-mouthed woman. Despite her hard-shell ways, Stocks' "dysfunctional family" said they would miss her dearly. His family made sure the obituary showed off his personality. Raymond Brownley was mostly known as a Big Al — a larger than life personality that no one could forget, according to his obituary published in His family describes him as someone who "liked four-letter words just about as much as four-wheel drive pick-up trucks.
When he wasn't cursing, he was spewing some great advice for his beloved family members. According to Big Al's family, he will be "greatly missed and fondly remembered" for sticking to his tightly-held belief system: "He despised canned cranberry sauce, wearing shorts, cigarette butts in his driveway, oatmeal, loud-mouth know-it-alls, Tabasco sauce, reality TV shows, and anything to do with the Kardashians. His obit was also a pretty funny confession. Columbia Pictures.
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Before Val Patterson died in , he took the time to write his own obituary. In it, he decided to come clean about some of the things he kept secret his whole life. He starts by explaining, that he is the one who "stole the safe from the Motor View Drive Inn back in June, What happened was that the day I went to pay off my college student loan at the U of U, the girl working there put my receipt into the wrong stack, and two weeks later, a PhD diploma came in the mail. I didn't even graduate, I only had about three years of college credit.
In fact, I never did even learn what the letters 'PhD' even stood for. He confesses to some crimes at amusement parks, but they may be too heinous to mention: "To Disneyland — you can now throw away that 'Banned for Life' file you have on me, I'm not a problem anymore — and SeaWorld San Diego, too, if you read this. However, he deeply regrets smoking cigarettes when he was younger, causing him to die of throat cancer.
In a more somber moment, he said, in fact, he regrets it most because it steals time he could've spent with his wife. There is no pill I can take to erase that pain. He referenced a seemingly small but hilarious regret. Bruce Springsteen best recording artist, Clint Eastwood the baddest man on the planet, and that chicks dig El Caminos," his obituary reads. His obit goes on to explain that he didn't just love pop culture; he also made some mistakes.
It wasn't all bad, though. Groth saw the world and enjoyed every moment. He traveled where he wanted to travel, laughed inappropriately at every chance, learned what he wanted to learn, fix what he wanted to fix and loved who he wanted to love," his obituary closes.